For those of you who were worried – Jackie Chan has not died. People are always worrying that Jackie Chan has died due to the fact that he leaps of building for a living. However this concern reached fever pitch recently when people started tweeting ‘Jackie Chan RIP’ in droves.
Jackie Chan - Alive and Well. Not Dead.
The reason? Apparently RIP means ‘Really Inspiring Person’. Couldn’t we just make that ‘Very Inspiring Person’? Although that’s confusing as VIP is already a thing. How about ‘HIP’? ‘Highly Inspiring Person’. That’s cool too.
Anyway, no Jackie Chan is not dead. In fact he is immortal. And it’s kind of weird that he seems to have returned from the dead at Easter. And his initials are ‘JC’. Just saying. He can also almost run on water – or at least slide across it in a weird way with one foot on a rubber dingy (see First Strike).
Shit news everyone! Stallone won’t be directing Expendables 2! Before you commit mass suicide, rest assured that he will be still starring in the most anticipated film of all time, but he’s meeting with people to direct it in his place. Maybe… Arnie?? That’s the only way this could be good news. And maybe if it means that he concentrates just on getting into insane shape.
I guess Cameron could be okay too, though Titanic and Avatar suggests he may have turned gay.
A picture of Stallone holding a gun instead of a camera. Just like he will be on Expendables 2.
Jackie Chan had recently been making films where he attempted ‘serious drama’ to prove that he’s an actor more like Deniro and less like Seagal. This was horrible because it meant he wasn’t doing martial arts any more and instead was just getting drunk and crying. We want Drunken Master not drunken wanker!
Jackie Chan - Serious actor
In this film he uses jump leads connected to a car battery as a defibrillator… ON A BABY. And he jumps down the side of a several story building by leaping from air vent to air vent in one take…
Chan is back!
A
Not so long ago I reported that Cliffjumper in Transformers: Prime was voiced by the Rock. To me this was brilliant news, and just AWESOME.
However I’m not sure how I feel about Jason Statham being a Gnome in Gnomio and Juliet… Alongside such action hero names as Matt Lucas and Ozzy Ozborne… WTF?
Not weird enough for you? Well in other eerily similar news, Stallone is voicing a lion in a film called The Zookeeper. A lion who is married to Cher of course… At least he’s king of the jungle I guess?
So that’s three actors who are now being just voices… Coincidence or something more sinister? (Sadly Cliffjumper is still dead in the series so that might be Dwayne’s job up…). Actually though this is not unprecedented – Stallone has already been an Ant in Antz and Mel Gibson was in Pocahontas… (he also sounds like Baloo, but I am assured he is not Baloo…).
Long may this tradition continue. Maybe…?
We’ve covered a few action heroes attempting to be real actors lately and this is another case of that. A Jackie Chan film where there are no martial arts. Where Jackie Chan swears, has lots of blood on him, and gets mixed up with druggies. This is opposed to normal Chan who has slapstick fight scenes, wears only white and won’t show cigarettes…. And IT’S NOT RIGHT! I don’t know what to believe any more or who I am.
This isn’t Jackie Chan. This is like his evil alter ego and when he has sex with a hooker it’s a bit like seeing your Mum and Dad at a swingers’ party (I imagine…) and you’re just shouting ‘No Jackie!’, ‘No!!’. It’s horrific and I have since burned out my eyes. What’s cool though is that he says ‘let’s paint the town red’ just before shagging a whore. That is a brilliantly interpretation of that expression…
It’s all pretty dire and probably very good if you’re able to speak Chinese (Mandarin… I don’t know…) and enjoy it in its original form… and if you’re not a Jackie Chan fan… but not if you’re a fan of this site.
However Chan doesn’t completely let us down, and although there are no slap-stick fight scenes (one review says he makes a point of ‘not fighting’) that doesn’t stop Chan from hacking a guy’s arm off with a samurai sword or snapping a guy’s head off. So I guess if you want to see Chan gone bad there is some merit in it. The random ‘Cockney Chinese’ dubbing is also fairly entertaining. And the cover is cool…
In short the tag line of this film in its Wester is ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’. And that’s a shame cos Mr Nice Guy was a fucking good film! I want a film called ‘MORE Mr Nice Guy’ please. Thank Sly he went on to make Robin-B-Hood…
D+
Demolition Man is another one of those 80s style action films that is actually also good. That is to say that it can be enjoyed by those who do not already consider themselves action connoisseurs; it has slightly more to offer than just explosions (not that you need anything more than explosions) such as a plot and much more importantly Sandra Bullock (and she looks great in this – definitely a peek for her). Having been in Speed also and considered for the Expendables she is practically the go to woman for action films. And she has an amazing ass.
Stallone's actually looking even more tanked than usual in Demolition Man. Who thought that was possible...?
The plot is one concerning an alternate future where Stallone is the only guy left with enough muscle and moxy to sort things out (sort of like Duke Nukem: Land of the Babes). That means that there are a few examples of wrong predictions – such as the ‘big one of 2010′ which destroyed LA. To my knowledge that never happened but then I’m not that up together on my current affairs (not enough ACTION on the news…). Maybe it did? What they did get right though was Arnie becoming president (technically he was only Govenor but I still defer to him anyway) which is particularly amusing to watch now.
Most importantly though the most accurate prediction was that we would all become PUSSIES. And if you look at the nanny state we all live in currently (states technically as you might be reading this not from Bournemouth) you can see how close we are to living in a horrendous world where burgers and swearing are outlawed. If this ever comes to pass then Demolition Man serves as a blue print for what we all must do: DESTROY EVERYTHING.
That’s part of what makes it such a brilliant action classic – it taps into that part in every dude that wants to rebel against a cushdy lifestyle. The same part that drives us into the gym and that makes cigars appealing. The part that already thinks the world is too cosy and wishes there were more explosions. Demolition Man is a metaphor for my life man!
So the plot’s good. And it’s funny too with some brilliant one liners (‘Send a maniac to catch a maniac!’, ‘You’re going to regret this the rest of your life… both seconds of it!’ (and I have a bad habit of saying ‘what’s your boggle’ to people… yes I sicken myself too)). But what’s even better of course is the action which is very well edited for a change and even features some martial arts from one of the few actors who looks convincing fighting Stallone: Wesley Snipes (who I actually suspect is also a good actor). The show downs in this film are slicker than most Sly outings but as the name would suggest they feature perhaps even more property damage than normal. Some how down and dirty combat but slick at the same time. Brilliant.
The only disappointing thing was that Jackie Chan was meant to play the role of Snipes, which would have been aces (he turned it down as he doesn’t like being bad guys). But then again it might also have been hilarious for the wrong reasons to hear Chan shout fuck a lot and stab people’s eyes out. But I’m still waiting for a Chan and Stallone team up.
And it’s got Sandra Bullock in it.
A+
Cop Land Review Cop Land is a film in which Stallone is not an action hero. In fact he’s not even in shape, but is instead pretty chubby. I hate this but what makes it cool is the fact that he got chubby just for this role, only to get back into his current stella shape in no time at all. Probably just to MOCK fat people (to any fat people reading, that was Stallone who did that, not me. I love fat people. Please keep coming back to the site). Anyway, the reason for this transformation was that Stallone wanted to demonstrate that he was a properly good actor and not just an action hero (when he was in Rocky reviewers compared him to a ‘young Marlon Brando’ – no one said that about Rambo 3). As such he is acting opposite DeNiro in this one, which is pretty impressive.
During the course of the film everyone pretty much ignores Stallone, who just quietly out-acts DeNiro instead of doing action. Then in an awesome last scene he goes around and shoots everyone. Much like New Police Story then, the writers can’t resist putting Stallone in an action scene and letting him save the day. And much like Rocky 6 or Lock Up, the slow build up makes the end more satisfying – like the ultimate pleasure delay. Just as I like to tease myself with a sandwich and then prepare the room perfectly before eating it. In fact this is the formula for any good Sly film including this ‘acting’ one:
1) Get you to hate everyone
2) Show you Stallone killing everyone
So yeah it’s not the most high octane action film ever, but it does have some cool moments, is still classic Sly and it’s also excellent as a testament to Stallone’s awesome powers.
C+
The best news ever has just happened: Arnie is now looking at scripts again! Apparently he’s currently looking over three, two of which are: Crusade (heavy action… AWESOME), and With Wings As Eagles where he plays a Nazi… huh? It’s a war flick though so that has to mean *some* exploding at least right? Apparently Arnie would speak German in that film… cool?
The real good news though is not those films – it’s that he’s looking into coming back to films. That’s GOT to mean a bigger role in Expendables 2 because why wouldn’t he do that? He and Sly love each other now. And surely *that* has got to mean BIGGER ARMS AGAIN. And apparently he had that secret meeting with Cameron and someone’s said he apparently has been offered a role in T5 if he ever wants it… Good things are afoot.
The future is bright… the future is ARNIE!
Twins Review
This is how happy you'll look after you've watched Twins...
Twins is one of the films that got me into Arnie as a kid. It has Arnie and DeVito in it together which at the time felt very kid friendly and it also has one of the largest screen-times where Arnie has his top off making it great motivation for a workout. It also has more action scenes than you’d think and the ones that are in there are pretty cool – because Arnie is in this the perfect genetic creation who has studied loads of martial arts so he’s untouchable (even more untouchable). The music is brilliantly 80s and also completely out of place and the relationship between Arnie and Danny is real man-love. They even have a bonding scene in the toilet on a night out which is how REAL man love is done (that might actually have sounded wrong. Just for clarification I am not talking about bum sex (that is a different form of man love which is also sometimes carried out drunkenly in the toilet)). And they also buy suits together ala Anchorman. In fact, this is an excellent lesson in male bonding all-round.
It’s emotional, it has a bad 80s soundtrack, the action scenes are cool, Arnie kicks a door not down but OFF, it has cheesy humour and Arnie’s top is off most of the time. This is up there with the best of the 80s.
A+
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Roadhouse is a film you might never have heard of if it weren’t for this site and that is why this site is one of the MOST important things on the internet. The premise of the film is ‘what if Patrick Swayze was in a Stallone film?’ and the results are predictably awesome. Produced by Joel Silver of Matrix, Lethal Weapon and Die Hard fame you just know it’s going to be awesome and this is helped by the premise which is basically that Patrick Swayze has to go and clear up a bar by being head bouncer only to encounter a village run secretly by a gangster. It’s been done a million times. Never. Gets. Old. Only this time he does Tai Chi in front of a burning building/explosion and channels Bruce Lee before going LOCO (with a very Rambo 4-esque scene… you’ll know what I mean).
As I said I believe he is inhabited by the spirit of Bruce Lee in this film. Sadly they're now both dead... wandering spirits looking for a host. Only CHUCK NORRIS is powerful enough to contain them both.
The best line of the film? ‘You think your saving us from Brad Wesley!? Who’s going to save us from you!!’. No one could save them from Swayze when he’s that ripped.
I first saw the last half hour of this film at 2am doing a workout and it looked perfect as he launched a dead body across a lake and shouted ‘fuck you’ at the top of his voice. I have bought the DVD now, and I was right. It’s a bit too slow to get going to be an A and Swayze needed a little more bulk, but I really think this should be hailed as a forgotten 80s classic.
B+
